kiss the boys and make them cry

flux

i horrify myself. i’ve never had constant traits. i have seen too much and been too many.

last night i dreamt about every boy i’ve ever loved. it was terrifying.

i can’t put off living to write and i can’t write and live at the same time. everything i try to get down comes off as jumbled, sporadic, terrifying.

one day i will sit down and edit all of this. when i’m old and grey.

you are a scar

i kissed frogs before you. you put fireworks under my pillow. you tasted like sugar and gasoline. i was high on your fumes. it was summertime. i called you my prince. the search stopped there, i felt sparks. i imagined your capacity and tripped over you. the heart does that to us, delusions, hallucinations, disappointments.

you lived in my memories and danced in every song that was near and dear to me. you lingered in the dark shadows of my mind, robbed me of my peaceful nights, haunted me even in my dreams. inside i was shouting for you to go away. i adored the extremes, happiness and tragedy. either ending would have me feeling delirious.

juvenile games send me sick to my stomach, but i don’t dwell. dwelling is the first step to madness, and there i refuse to go. but every now and then a memory sends its cold breath down my spine and sends chills.

 

alive with the glory of love

you taint me, you ruin me, you consume me whole.you make me who i am today.

some would say, you stand behind me. not necessarily holding me up, but you are there.

i have no explanation towards loving you, there is no method to my madness. time holds no grudge, it merely reminds me of a past i had- overwhelmed in you and in turn, in love with myself.

i have learned much about myself in loving you. in holding on to you.

i learned that though you were perfect for me then, i deserve better. i learned that i adore you because i adored my youth. you represent the period in my life when everything was coated in glory, i was a freshman in high school. those were the days.

you were the perfect sundae split. my older, cooler boyfriend. you said fuck in front of the principle when you were performing and i thought that was cool. you came drunk to a school event. i was young and impressionable.

you kissed me dirty on my front steps past my curfew. i’ll never forget you.

this one’s for the books.

torn

I’m sick and tired of looking at the moon and thinking of you. I last a whole day staring at the sun, and am reminded of nothing.it is always nighttime when your eyes burn holes into my brain. it does me no good, it is an uncontrollable act.

the haunting begins. i am reminded, a curse, bodily functions that failed us. you and your corduroy pants. grande lattes with no foam. kisses on the side of my mouth. your voice in the shower. notes that roamed around the house. finders keepers, losers weepers. i couldn’t keep up with you.

abandonment. loneliness. change and adaptation. things i have gotten used to. the temperature drops. the beating of my heart slows to a lull, lagging pace. i am reminded of life before you, stripped of the good. my heart was a present to you, don’t regift it, but don’t send it back either. i can’t stand the thought of it now.

i suppose i still have yours as well. i’ve tried to reject its existence, but it wont leave anytime soon. i can feel it in me, starting to feel again. these are your feelings. while your heart blushes within me, my jealousy grows beside it.

the two cannot coexist without competition. it’s time you take back what is yours, and i what is mine.

goodbye, lover.